I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
