but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
