It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
smell my finger.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
