My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
