Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
