guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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