You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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