my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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