totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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