Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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