I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
