I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
