You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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