I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
