i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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