i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
