you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
