No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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