When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
