New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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