I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
