i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
