So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
