i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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