the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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