Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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