I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Randomize
