I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
