saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
