If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
