Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
