youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
