Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
