Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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