I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
