Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
