I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
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