Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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