Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
