Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
