You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
