she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
