you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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