i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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