My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
