I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
