Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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