i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
