booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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