Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
